Funny Vet

Excerpt third DH:

DCM: “After doing your community service hours and successfully completing rehab from your last visit with us, we are quite surprised to see you again, Dr. Wight.”
Dr. W: “Believe me, I’m more surprised than you.”
DCM: “We have several issues before us regarding substandard care.  Are you familiar with a drug used to treat Fusiformis necrophorus, called M and B693?”
Dr. W: “Yes.”
DCM: “You are?  And you know that it is not meant to be given subcutaneously, but only intravenously?”
Dr. W:  “Yes.  On the particular event in question I did give it I.V.”
DCM: “Then please explain why a Mr. Maxwell’s cow got a swelling, phlebitis, and a thrombus at the injection site which led to its death!”
Dr. W: “I don’t have an explanation.  I do know it went in intravenously.  That was the first time I had used the medication.”
DCM: “That’s your defense?  As a trained veterinary surgeon it shouldn’t matter how often you have used a medication.  It should only matter that you know how to administer it properly!  The company states that the only way problems occur is if the drug is administered inappropriately.”
Dr. W:  “I’m sure that is what they say.”
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DCM: “Moving on.  We also have a Mr. Biggins who said you gave some kind of “stimulant” to his cow and it subsequently died.”
Dr. W: “No.  His cow was down and I told him it was going to die.  That there was nothing that could be done.”
DCM: “But you gave this stimulant anyway.”
Dr. W: “Mr. Biggins insisted.”
DCM: “That’s not how he tells the story.  He says you gave the stimulant with assurances that it would help the cow get up and then you insisted on getting your payment in full before leaving his farm.  He said he thought it odd how demanding and pushy you were being.  He said he had many sleepless nights after his encounter with you.”
Dr. W:  “Knowing Mr. Biggins, I'm sure he was describing himself since he is demanding and pushy and I'm certain he's never spent a sleepless night regarding any of his animals.  As to the situation in question, none of that is true.  You can’t believe everything a client tells you.  Of course, he’s going to paint the worst picture of me to bolster his claims!”
DCM:  “Be that as it may, it is true you gave a stimulant and there is a dead cow.  Are you always so quick to just do something because the client insists on it?  Mr. Biggins’ argument is that you did it just so you could charge him more.”
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DCM: “When working for Dr. Grier’s office while he was ill, you treated a cow’s prolapsed cervix by elevating her hind end on boards and feeding her linseed oil for several days.  Is this the medical standard of care for this problem?”
Dr. W: “No, but….”
DCM: “No is the right answer.  In fact, no one does that anymore, isn’t that true?”
Dr. W: “I did it at the direction of Dr. Grier who was my employer at the time.”
DCM: “Really?  How strange.  Because Dr. Grier is the one that actually fixed the cow isn’t he?”
Dr. W: “Yes.”
DCM: “And how did he accomplish that?  I assume he used your same method since you’re telling us here that he was the one that told you to do it that way in the first place.”
Dr. W: “He did an epidural, replaced the prolapse manually, and put in retention sutures through the vulva.”
DCM: “Then it makes no sense why he would have told you to do something different.  At a minimum, even if we accept your version of events, you should have rejected his advice and put the care of the animal first, instituting the proper treatment.”
Dr. W: (indecipherable)
DCM: "I'm sorry.  Could you speak up?  What was that?"

Dr. W: "Nothing........nothing."
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DCM: “Mr. Ripley’s complaint is that you forced him to try to emasculate one of his herd.”
Dr. W: “I only used it as an instructional moment.  He was forever having me come out when his males were so much older, thus making the procedure exceedingly difficult.”
DCM: “You were teaching him a lesson?”
Dr. W: “Not in so many words.  He kept ignoring my entreaties to have me out sooner and I thought if he realized the difficulty of the procedure on older animals he would understand then.”
DCM: “So, there was no vindictiveness in your actions.”
Dr. W: “No, of course not.”
DCM: “And you think it’s ok to get a client to do a procedure that they aren’t trained for?  One, in fact, that you, as a professional, should be doing.”
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DCM: “Trust me I’m tired too, Dr. Wight.  But you’ve brought this upon yourself with your continued lackadaisical attitude toward this fine profession.  Mr. Bailes cites that you gave some mysterious “stomach elixir”, lavaging the stomach of the cow several times without having established a firm diagnosis.”
Dr. W: “Well, that’s not entirely true.  Mr. Bailes gave the stomach elixir and I lavaged the stomach on the idea that the elixir might have been the problem.”
DCM: “But, didn’t Mr. Bailes give the elixir because there was initially a problem?  Your answer seems to suggest you did not have a diagnosis.  Yet you treated anyway.”
Dr. W: “Well, I was operating under several possibilities.  Peritonitis.  A displaced….”
DCM: “Right, right.  You didn’t know.  We get it.  Mr. Bailes tells us it was the postman, a Mr. Oakley, who got the cow better by galloping it around the field?  The postman made the cow better, Dr. Wight?”
Dr. W: “You can’t take a client’s word on how things happened!  I’m sure that was just coincid…..”
DCM: “Let’s move on.”
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DCM: “This last item is from Mr. Charles Harcourt of the Ministry of Agriculture who has given us a list of failures on your part in regards to the very important task of tuberculin testing.  According to your own paperwork it seems you tested a dead cow, another two that could not have been present as they had been sold six months prior.  You had no Receipt for Slaughter on another and no Notice of Cleansing and Disinfecting.  Overall, he says your paperwork, and I quote here, “is shoddy”.”
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Excerpt fourth DH:

DCM: “Welcome back, Dr. Wight.  Or can I call you James?  I feel as if I know you, you’ve been here so often.”
Dr. W: “Look, I do a vast majority of my job right!  A lot of the things I’ve been brought here about were exaggerated or due to a person’s misperceptions of events!  I’m frankly getting tired of it!  I can troop thousands of admirers through here to tell you how I’ve inspired them!  I’m human!  Everyone makes a mistake now and then!”
DCM: “Calm down, Dr. Wight!  We do not want to have to restrain you!  This passionate, though belated, defense is all well and good, but you can’t hide behind being human!  That’s not an excuse!  And, besides, this latest charge is the most reprehensible that I’ve been faced with before!  Do you remember treating Mrs. Tompkins’ Budgie, “Peter” ?”
Dr. W: “Yes.”
DCM: “You seem nervous, Dr. Wight.  Is that because you remember what happened to Peter?  And please don‘t try to equivocate.  We have witnesses.”
Dr. W: “I went to trim Peter’s beak and he spontaneously died before I was even able to do the procedure.”
DCM: “He just died.  With no wrong-doing on your part.  Is that what you’re telling us?”
Dr. W: “I’m telling you the truth.  I’m telling you what happened.  Sometimes these small birds, when stressed, will just die.”
DCM: “And that’s what you explained to Mrs. Tompkins?”
Dr. W: *Long pause*   “No.”
DCM: “No.  You didn’t.  Instead you went to Mr. Almond’s pet store, who noted how nervous you seemed, and bought another Budgie and replaced Mrs. Tompkins poor, deceased bird with another!”
Dr. W: “She was very elderly and I thought it would be a kinder thing to do than to tell her that her only friend had just died.  I had only good intentions!”
DCM: “The law does not care about good intentions!  It only takes your actions into account!  Isn’t another way to look at this is that you were hiding yet another one of your mistakes?!  Not owning up to mishandling the bird and killing it?!  And then callously substituting it as if one bird was just like another!  Hoping, I’m sure, that the elderly woman with poor vision wouldn’t notice!”
Dr. W: “No!  No!  That isn’t what happened!”
DCM: “We’ve had enough of your coming before us!  We’ve been very patient with you, but the time has come to revoke your license.  We just cannot allow you to continue being a hazard to the veterinary community and such a poor example to young, aspiring minds who wish to enter the profession!”
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End excerpts

In a weird quirk of time and space, beloved veterinarian and author, Dr. James Herriot, becomes a practicing veterinarian in the 21st Century, subject to the unfortunate vagaries of said century’s laws, sensibilities, and viewpoints regarding the profession.

Excerpts from disciplinary hearings (DH) of the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons:

Disciplinary Committee Member (known from this point as DCM): “Please state your name for the record.”
Defendant: “James Alfred Wight.”
DCM: “Are you known by any other names?”
Dr. W: “Yes.  James Herriot.”
DCM: “I see.  And is there a reason that you sometimes go by this alias?  Have you, perhaps, had other complaints made about you that you wish to hide by using this alternate name?  Any run-ins with the law?”
Dr. W: “What?  No!  No.  I just write my memoirs using that name since it is frowned upon as a veterinary surgeon to be seen as if I were advertising myself and my services.”
DCM: “So, you do this out of a sense of professionalism.”
Dr. W: “Yes.”
DCM: “And yet, here you are.  Shall we begin?”

Excerpt first DH:
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DCM: “We have had two complaints in which your clients were injured during your visits.  One is a Mr. Whithorn who was bitten while restraining his dog, Ruffles.  Another more serious injury occurred to a Mr. Briggs in which he declares you deliberately stabbed him in the buttocks with a bovine abortifacient.”
Dr. W: “It was not deliberate!”
DCM: “You admit it did happen though!”
Dr. W: “Well, yes, it did.  I don’t deny it.  But it was an accident, as they are wont to happen in dealing with farm animals.”
DCM: “Mr. Briggs claims this made him sterile and we understand there is an ongoing civil suit in regards to this situation.”
Dr. W: “Yes, that’s true.  Though there is no evidence to suggest that the accident caused him to be sterile.”
DCM: “Well, our main concern here, today, Dr. Wight is to establish whether you know what proper animal handling practices are.”
Dr. W: “Of course I do.”
DCM: “And yet you consistently have clients assist you.  And get injured in the process.  You do know that for safety reasons you should have another colleague or a veterinary technician assisting you.  It is a basic liability issue that you blatantly disregard!”
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Excerpts second DH:

DCM: “Ah, Dr. Herriot, er, I mean, Dr. Wight.  Here you are again.  We seem to have a different set of complaints this time pertaining to unprofessional conduct, specifically alcoholism.”
Dr. W: “I am not an alcoholic!”
DCM: “Then please explain the Bamford family’s rendition of events during a recent calving in which you were disoriented, stumbling, and slurred in speech.  Are you using medication under the direction of your physician?”
Dr. W: “No, I am not taking any medications.  I had been suddenly called out after visiting a Mr. Crump who has an amateur winery.  He likes me to taste his latest vintages.”
DCM: “How much would you have to taste to become incoherent?”
Dr. W: “I didn’t drink that much and I had not known I would be called out again on that night.”
DCM: “But aren’t you always on call?  That's even why you were at Mr. Crump's wasn't it?
Dr. W: "I had a sip of Mr. Crump's wine sample.  And that was after I had performed my medical duties for him!"
DCM: "That may be, though it doesn't make sense why the Bamford's should have perceived you as disoriented from a "sip", does it?  Wouldn’t it be correct to say you shouldn’t ever drink because you might be called to perform your veterinary surgeon duties at many hours of the day or night?”
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DCM: “A Mr. Atkinson witnessed you as being so drunk that you fell asleep in the middle of dislodging a piglet.”
Dr. W: “Everything worked out fine for the sow.  The piglet was born dead.  That was not something I caused!”
DCM: “But you don’t address whether you were, in fact, drunk that night.  You attended a party at another client’s house that evening, a Mrs. Pumphrey.  Several witnesses state they saw you imbibing quite a few glasses of champagne.  Again, if you know you might be called to duties, shouldn't you be taking the precaution to not be drinking?”
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DCM: “In our investigation, we also came across a Mr. Cobb who said you force him to have a whiskey with you every time you visit him.”
Dr. W: “That’s not true.  He insists.  It‘s his whiskey.”
DCM: “And you are over at his house quite frequently.”
Dr. W: “That’s because he calls me out to his house several times a month.  There’s seldom anything wrong.  He can be quite vexing in that way.”
DCM: “But, knowing there’s some free booze with each visit must make it worth your while, yes?”
Dr. W: “No!  That’s not why I go.  I attend to everyone in the same professional manner!”
DCM: “Hmmmm.  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  One thing that has been overlooked in all of these cases is the fact that you routinely drive to your client’s farms and homes and such was the case in these events.  So it would be reasonable to assume you’re driving under the influence.  Let’s talk about tickets you’ve received from the local constabulary, shall we?”
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