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Oct 05
2013

Animals In The News!

Posted by Dean Scott in Untagged 

Dean Scott
Cats Shocked By New Theory
Controversy has erupted in the scientific cat community with the announcement today by Dr. Gaspacho Gato that the world does not revolve around cats. Condemnation and accusations of heresy were quick in coming after cats woke up from Third Nap to find their eons-accepted worldview had changed. Dr. Gato, a formerly respected scientist, presented his paper to the National Feline Scientists Association (NFSA), stunning his colleagues with this outlandish and, some say, unsubstantiated claim.
"Quite frankly I was distracted by his use of the laser pointer," Dr. Chase McWilliams, a long-standing NFSA member, said, "I didn't grasp the ramifications until later."
An anonymous source claimed that Dr. Gato has had a long history of catnip and ketamine abuse which Feline University (FU), where he is tenured, has discreetly handled over the years. "I'm not saying that's what's behind his latest claims. For all we know he could be in the early stages of Feline Cognitive Dysfunction. I mean he's what, sixteen, seventeen?"
Dr. Gato vehemently defended his research. "My scientific brethren need to look past their next meal," he hissed, "The evidence is there! And I'll admit, it rocked my faith, but the more you look, the more obvious it becomes. Just take the example of dogs. Would they exist in a cat-centric universe? Of course not!"
The Right Reverend Poofypants explained, "Science and belief are one on this subject.  Dogs are here for one purpose and one purpose only. To be ignored by us. Those who lack the willpower to do so only fail themselves. To ignore a dog is to cause it the worst sort of torture."
Dr. Bogie Beauchamp said, "It is disturbing to see such a renowned scientist fall like this. I know some of my colleagues are calling for him to be neutered and declawed. I don't go that far. I think he deserves sympathy, but I'm sure we all know that is not a strong feline characteristic."
The average stray-on-the-street had this to say: "Look, I don't need no fur-brained scientist to tell me what I already know. Watch this." Darth, a large and formidable looking black cat, then went on to meow a plaintive cry that you would not expect from one of his size.  Within seconds a frizzy-haired woman came out of nowhere with a bowl of food and a pat on all of the good spots. "See what I mean?", he continued, spraying bits of food, "What more proof do you need?"
Dogs Mobilize Against Terrorist Threat
The terrorists known as squirrels have a new enemy to deal with. "We're done with the ineffectual barking and just chasing them back over the fence-line," Tank, a black Lab and leader of a new outfit known as Squirrel Team 6 explained. "We're going to make a statement."
Tank has had enough of waiting for his people to deal with the situation. "These guys. They ain't scared of us. They just keep on comin' into our yards, onto our sovereign property, chattering their stupid little squirrel talk. They've got some people fooled." He adopts a high falsetto, "Oh, look! Aren't they just the cutest things! No, Tank, no! Don't chase them!" They're vermin!"
Tank has assembled a crack team of canines to implement a plan to get rid of this enemy for good.
Former military working dogs, King, Big Harold, and Mr. Nickles, have worked together before. "Yeah, we can't, ya know, talk 'bout our missions, ya know," King explained succintly.
Another member, a mixed-breed named Wolf, comes from a dubious background. Tank tells us, "He's been in and out of pounds. Some people say he's unstable, but as long as you don't look him in the eye too long, he's good. He's a remarkable tactician."
The last member of the group, a Dachushund named Ray, is also the youngest, relatively green in comparison to the veterans around him. "They've got me because of my eyesight and speed. I, mean, come on, look at these guys - bad hips, chipped teeth, a little cataracts. They need me!" He then proceeded to pass around a picture of his latest girlfriend who he declares is "the One".
Bringing their meeting to order, Squirrel Team 6 recited their code: "To kill, you must know your enemy. And in this case, my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the VietCong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence."
While we can't print details due to Neighborhood Security, we can tell our readers that they can feel safer knowing this team is on our side. Tank gave us some last reassuring words, "We will not rest. We will not tire. We will hunt these terrorist squirrels down until they......Ball!"

Comments (1)

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Amazing. I'm so glad I found your site. I will be visiting frequently when I need a good laugh. smilies/grin.gif
Light , October 13, 2013 | url

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